tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post2068596543673288334..comments2024-03-13T06:31:17.010-04:00Comments on Susan Says: One Sentence PitchSusan Gourley/Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02669793865290876168noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post-15078277378781566972011-01-30T20:01:28.213-05:002011-01-30T20:01:28.213-05:00Oh, you guys are good. I'm rewriting it with a...Oh, you guys are good. I'm rewriting it with all these great suggestions. Shorter but better.Susan Gourley/Kelleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02669793865290876168noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post-82001838866692556402011-01-30T18:37:50.731-05:002011-01-30T18:37:50.731-05:00I agree with the suggested cuts. And I like me som...I agree with the suggested cuts. And I like me some em dashes. They break up a sentence--and make it easier to read.<br /><br />How about this:<br /><br />"Men born with dragon-blood ignite a war that could end civilization--and the only hope rests with a young man who must accept his role as a true dragon and a young woman who can call the wind."<br /><br />I cut the people of Moribundia because I thought they might be included in "civilization."<br /><br />Sounds like a fun read.Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post-89920681807484914822011-01-30T18:20:37.103-05:002011-01-30T18:20:37.103-05:00I like your suggestions, LA. I thought it sounded...I like your suggestions, LA. I thought it sounded a little 'run-on' but wasn't sure what to cut and retain meaning.Susan Gourley/Kelleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02669793865290876168noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post-1591101628576201502011-01-30T15:59:20.112-05:002011-01-30T15:59:20.112-05:00OH MY! I promise I'm not laughing. Too much. ...OH MY! I promise I'm not laughing. Too much. Hope you feel better soon. I like the idea of the sentence but I wonder could you condense it a little. By the time I finished reading I forgot what the first part was. Could you leave out the "end..civilization" and "people of Morbunda"? Maybe tighten the "young man...woman..calls the wind".L.A. Colvinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02660594640480581883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post-59331544189111696632011-01-30T15:03:22.878-05:002011-01-30T15:03:22.878-05:00I can only say I did take a lot of advil while on ...I can only say I did take a lot of advil while on crutches. I forgot to put in the pitch sentence. The crutch thing was real. LOL<br />I hope you'll come back and comment on the pitch but please no comments on my brain blip.Susan Gourley/Kelleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02669793865290876168noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post-40221977393020209062011-01-30T14:19:33.946-05:002011-01-30T14:19:33.946-05:00HHMM. I'm not sure about a one sentence pitch...HHMM. I'm not sure about a one sentence pitch. The one you provided didn't work for me. It tells me nothing about who or where. The only hook I can see is why was this person/being on crutches. The writing course I just finished teaches us about "The Sentence". It's a -30 or less- sentence that sums up your book. It needs your protag, antag (in some form) and a hook. Here are two "Sentences" describing my current wips:<br /><br />1. While being hunted for her crimes, a princess turned pirate must save her dying planet from the confederation sworn to protect it.<br /><br />2. A brilliant archeologist must partner with an unlikely ally after she is forced to awaken a war among the heavens.<br /><br />Hope this helps.L.A. Colvinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02660594640480581883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post-28770200623575607782011-01-30T12:31:21.974-05:002011-01-30T12:31:21.974-05:00I don't see it unless its the crutches sentenc...I don't see it unless its the crutches sentence. Those one sentence pitches can be a real bugger to make ... fortunately my editor came up with one for me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post-88734738224145545762011-01-30T08:52:14.118-05:002011-01-30T08:52:14.118-05:00I think I missed the pitch as well...I think I missed the pitch as well...Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-556528429571644528.post-9143021428131680502011-01-30T06:45:06.392-05:002011-01-30T06:45:06.392-05:00Was the "Crutches...snow storms..." sent...Was the "Crutches...snow storms..." sentence the pitch?Will Burkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10158149526658590324noreply@blogger.com